It's hard to heal when you are constantly plagued by feelings of inadequacy, both as a man and as a person in general. At my place of employment we have just hired a new crew member. He's a real alpha male...you know the type. Loud, brash, confident, constantly brags about his numerous sexual encounters. Whenever I meet a man like that, which is often, I cannot help but ask myself...is that what would I be like if I had not been abused? Is that what it's like to be normal? And then despite my best efforts comes the self depreciation..."I'm 19, a virgin, with no girlfriend and no confidence or charisma. How pathetic" I know that I should not be thinking like this, but its so hard when when you come across men like the one I described here. Thank you all for sifting through my blubbering. Please leave comments if you wish, I'd like to get your perspective on this.

So what I hear you saying is would I be an asshole if I wasn't abused? You know everyone seems normal till you get to know them. In my experience, people full of braggadocio and posturing are compensating for something.

I should hope that regardless of past you'd be gentle and thoughtful. Plenty of men out there who weren't abused
who fit that description.

Don't worry about being a 19 yr. old virgin or about feeling small next to a great big blow hard. You are here, and if you're here you're healing which is a helluva lot more than I had going on at 19. I was more of a constantly inadequate, heavily self-medicated virgin with no girlfriend and the charisma of a wet cat. You're already ahead of my progress.

Hi Seikei,

I can hear the pain in your post and that you question your "adequacy." But please do not judge yourself by that guy, or think that his behavior is typical of non-abused males.

It has been my experience that people who are loud, brash and who boast about their sexual encounters are over-compensating for some inadequacy they feel they have. They believe if they make others believe they are "successful," whether it is with bravado, bragging about sexual enounters which may or may not have actually happened, or by making themselves appear to be confident, then they have effectively, at least outwardly, conquered their own inadquacy.

If such a person was to let another really get to know him, you would find there are a lot of exaggerations in the things he says.

The only comparison you should be making is with yourself. You are only 19. Yes, I said "only." You have a lot of living, and learning, to do. Just becuase you are not confident or dating now, does not mean that you will not become confident and date in the future. Give yourself time to work on things in therapy.

The confidence will come as you do the work in therapy. Confidence also comes with small successes. Set yourself up to succeed. Choose small, attainable goals that you can reach in a short period of time. Success breeds success. As you reach those goals, you will be able to set your sights higher and make the goals more challenging.

Be patient with yourself.






Anomalous

"So what I hear you saying is would I be an asshole if I wasn't abused? "

Ha ha ha ha!!! Oh this line made me laugh so much. Thanks so much for the mini vacation. Thank you so much for the encouragement and input.

Seikei,

From those of us who are older men just begining to deal with our abuse, we admire you greatly for starting to deal with it now while you still have your whole life ahead of you.

Hopefully you will be spared the years of pain and self-medication with alcohol, drugs and anonymous sex, broken relationships, and failure. You have alot going for you. The guy who claims to be getting laid regularly doesn't. Keep working on it. You'll get there.

HI seikei (what does that mean?)

One thing that helped me as my healing went on was that men like that are often overcompensating for something. People that brag about it all the time probably don't do it.
So I used to look at men like that and start imagining what had happened to them in their lives. (whether real or imagined) It just made it a little easier for me to handle, I mean nobody can be that perfect,(and I later found this to be true)

So don't be intimidated by idiots with big mouths, rather focus on finding the man that you were born to be, because I can pretty much assure you that he is a really great guy.
Real men are guys like us, guys that have faced the worst that life has to offer and come back fighting, guys that have faced our fears and demons and come out on top. This is what makes a man. Being a real man is not about how many knocks you have taken, but its about how many times you stand up from those knocks and carry on with life.

We survivors are pretty tough people, and that makes us better than some bragging big mouthed dude.

Tackle all your issues without fear, don't be afraid to open all those closets and haul out all those skeletons. You to can be an alpha male.

Keep going man
Heal well
Martin

Hi Seikei,

As I was perusing the web, I found a comment about "overconfidence." I will quote it here:



The above comment was made by a therapist in response to an article about this topic.

When I wrote my initial reply to you I forgot to include anything about overconfidence being a tool of social manipulation. As said above, overconfidence is a very powerful tool.

The new guy at work is trying to manipulate those around him. He is trying to make others think he is more than he really is, or that he has accomplished more than others, sexually speaking. He is also trying to make others feel like they do not measure up to him.

Do not be manipulated by his self inflated bravado.

Step back and observe him in interactions with others. Look at the body language of those around him as well as their facial expressions. While there may be some outwardly agreeing with him, I am willing to bet their body language is saying just the opposite. They are probably suffering his brash stories, waiting for him to leave.

Do you really want to be like that guy?

Do you want others just tolerating your presence? Or do you want people around you because they choose to be with you?

You are an original - a one of a kind. Be yourself. Others will appreciate your genuineness and your authenticity.



Be gentle and kind to yourself.





Anomalous

Martin: Thanks so much for your message. And to answer your question, Seikei is a japanese name that means to make a path or beginning. I thought it appropriate considering that by joining this site I have begun to make a path towards healing.

Anamlous: I totally agree with you about overconfidence being a tool for social manipulation. In fact I've observed how other coworkers interact with him and it seems that they find him entertaining, but it does not seem that the majority take him all that seriously. Also today, came up to me and asked how I would react if he punched me in face. Would I cry? I probably wouldnt do anything right? He was just kidding around, but at the point I was like " Yup yeah another person just trying to make me feel inferior." It was at this point that I finally realized I should not be trying to idolize anything this man does. He was a creep, pure and simple. My elementary school tactics worked well in this regard. I ignored him and he left me alone.