Great to find the site. And, yeah, despite years of therapy, the Sandusky affair was a trigger. I've seen it as an unexpected next step in my recovery.

My background was as an adopted "only child" (isn't there a better term?), subjected to physical, verbal and emotional abuse by my adopted mother. No step-sibligs of similar age - all considerably older - or living with me in the subsequent marriages. I was completely alone. Multiple divorces, moves, alcoholism in a 60s upper middle class environment always reaching to be in league with bluebloods. Even worse for her, I turned out to be...gay! Right at the cusp of Stonewall.

My abuser was a high school counselor/respected church member to whom I went as I struggled with the effects of being the verbal/emotional punching bag of "Mom" and her third husband (yes, it was a nightly dinner table tag team). Intuitively, I knew I was gay, but was having trouble dealing. No resources for gay kids in that era.

I was desperate and conflicted. I needed compassionate help, but still felt the counselor would likely side with my folks and that he had total control of my college plans in his hands. He knew it and took advantage of it, forcing me to perform oral sex in his office during school hours.

He also had ties to a church camp where I was a counselor in training. Therefore, the abuse continued during my summer job.

Years of therapy have helped. "Mom" and hubby #3 got the boot from me over 20 years ago. Treatment for chronic depression has been mixed, even with meds. I've attempted suicide a couple times. But bills are paid, there's food in the fridge, oil in the engine, house and laundry are clean. Those who've dealt with depression understand what I mean.

"Dad", from whom I was mostly separated by custody issues was the only one of six (count 'em) parents to whom I was close. He passed almost 30 years ago, but I believe he understood even though he was powerless to do anything about it. And, in his last decade, he got into recovery himself which cemented our relationship and got me into a couple 12-step programs. I miss him to this day.

Surprisingly, alcohol and drugs have held little interest for me. My speed is Diet Coke and cigs.

Finally, I'm an HIV survivor of 20 years, no meds except the usual otc preventatives and selenium. Many of us know the psychology of feeling as if we'll only be wanted for sex. And predators will still prey on vulnerabilities when they sense them in the already vulnerable. In that vein, my father's pastor attempted to seduce me the night Dad died. I rebuffed him and, a few years later, was able to verbally rip into him about it and shame him when he approached me in a (gay) public setting...where he was never seen again.

I'm not in a relationship. No particular desire for one. Nor any interest in sex in years, which is more physiological than psychological, though I won't deny the latter. The friends I have know my story and they're worthy of my trust. Some have similar backgrounds.

My life is okay, but not great. Financially, though finally able to act responsibly, I'm on the edge. Depression dogs me. I use friends and clients to nudge me out of it. I have my craft (media) and hobbies (yardwork, pets, cars, electronics). And now I'm apparently moving on to the next step....

Welcome Lancer,

I'm Glad u are here- that u have found this place and are on a good Path towards healing and reclaiming your life.

I'm Ina few 12 step groups also and had a foundation before I started facing the abuse stuff- it isnt easy but staying sober and Sane is the easier way.

*

Lancer,

Glad you found us here. We are here for you too. We are all important and deserve our recovery. I have found this site a safe and comfortable place to be, for the most part.

i too was emotionally, mentally, physically, and CSA in the home of origin. I felt trapped and unable to escape. i am plagued with SSA (same sex attraction) my whole life and it has made me think at times, that i might be gay. if i was gay, i would be able to handle it now, but i have found out through safe exploration, that i am not gay. i still have SSA, but it doesn't bother me any longer with shame and guilt.

i definitely have sexual anorexia, avoidance of things sexual. That is a heavy mind twist for me at times. i understand your situation.

take care my friends

peace

paul

Hi Lancer,

Welcome to MS.

I am glad you have found this place of healing and support.

Take your time and look around. You do not want to trigger yourself by reading too many posts at one time.

At your own pace, read the boards and wander into chat. The lounge (chat) is open 24 hours a day though it isn't always populated.

We also have moderated chats called Healing Circles. They meet on Sunday and Wednesday evenings at 9pm eastern time and one on Tuesday at 19:00 UTC (European and African time zone) which translates to 2 PM Eastern US time zone. The Healing Circle on Tuesdays is scheduled to resume in September.

When you feel up to it, perhaps you would like to share some pictures of your best friends in the Show Your Pets thread in the Off-Topic forum. You will also find information about how to link your pictures to your post.

Again, welcome to MS.




Anomalous

Lancer,

Welcome. Great people and support here. I'm really proud of your accomplishments. We all struggle at different levels. Thanks for sharing your story. Best wishes.

Thayne

Appreciate the warm welcome guys. I'd always wanted to attend the all-boys school instead of public school. It kinda feels like that.

And you reminded me of the old mantra about sharing "experience, strength and hope." Haven't thought about that in a while. Thanks.

Hey, Lancer.. you're definitely welcome aboard here. You've got a worldwide network of brothers here who understand...and care.
Sorry you need MS and at the same time I'm thankful you found us and glad you engaged.

Hi Lancer, welcome to Male survivor
Being part of this community has helped me tremendously, I hope that you'll find your way to connect to other brothers survivors here.
You have a lot to offer, keep sharing.
Pero

An unexpected update:

An Episcopal clergyman - not in that position at the time nor in the same diocese - today confirmed another case of abuse by this predator, offering damning information on his identity before I'd even asked. Incredibly, the MS is local to me. To keep our stories separate and although I'm comfortable sharing that it happened, I'll not be sharing the details with him yet.

I feel relief (validation) more than anger.

I'd appreciate the experiences - no, not advice - of those of you who have pursued a similar path.