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#328017 - 04/11/10 12:35 PM I'm a female in my fantasies, still.
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
This has been going on since I was 8, which was 38 years ago - I'm 46. My CSA was from 3-5 y/o. Of course at 8, I did not know what a transvestite was and at that time (1970) there really were no transgendered women. I just wanted to be a girl. My T said that I believed that if I had been a girl, I would not have had a CSA. That my life would have been "better" than it was. But I still have these fantasies today. I don't want to be an actual woman or transgendered. But I view my self as female in *all* my fantasies. They are not even all sexual. Actually, they are only 40 - 50% dealing with sexuality. It's just me, only I'm female. I'm always young (~20's) and beautiful, but female. If I just wanted to be "better & younger", wouldn't I just see myself as a "20 y/o 'manly' stud?" It's confusing to me. Any comments?

Thanks.

_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#328019 - 04/11/10 12:48 PM Re: I'm a female in my fantasies, still. [Re: SaberCat]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
Your therapist is correct in saying that, had you been a girl this particular CSA wouldn't have happened but that's not really a kind thing to say. Yes - *that* person wouldn't have harmed you but who's to say that if you were a girl you wouldn't have been raped or sexually assaulted in some other way?

Answer these two questions, please: What does being a woman in these fantasies give you that you don't have right now? What does the woman have that the 20 y/o manly stud does not?

Understanding your answer to that would help to give some better perspective. Thanks.


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#328046 - 04/11/10 05:56 PM Re: I'm a female in my fantasies, still. [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
SaberCat Offline
New Here

Registered: 03/02/07
Posts: 46
Loc: Florida, US
Hmmm ...

Thanks for your reply. I've been thinking about it. Even though I know that women don't have it any better than men, I think it may be a short sighted attempt to solve the immediate problem: i.e. The difficulty I have and have had with my sexuality and socially. I'm finally realizing that girls and women have many obstacles to face in their lives. I don't think I ever realized that because they didn't have my specific problems. Also, my fantasies are pretty black & white in terms of what needs to be done in a given situation. Maybe it's just an escape mechanism I came up with early on - and never let go of. I was always terrified that I was gay. I went out of my way to be "not gay." I've never really been attracted to other boys/men. If I was, I hid it from myself (and everyone else). The reality is that I never felt the same way, or even remotely the same way towards men as towards women. But I'm still terrified of being gay. I feel scared of fantasizing of myself as, well not even myself, but an idealized version of me and as a male. Maybe that's it. I don't know.

_________________________
"There is always hope."

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#328122 - 04/12/10 06:22 PM Re: I'm a female in my fantasies, still. [Re: SaberCat]
Shaun The Sheep Offline


Registered: 03/17/10
Posts: 188
Loc: West Coast
*



Edited by Shaun The Sheep (04/01/11 11:34 AM)

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#328153 - 04/13/10 12:53 AM Re: I'm a female in my fantasies, still. [Re: Shaun The Sheep]
WannaBeActivist Offline


Registered: 04/03/10
Posts: 14
Being a survivor doesn't necessarily mean that it affected your sexuality or gender. It could be possible that you may have had these fantasies regardless of your CSA. The question is what makes you happy and what makes you feel comfortable. Maybe you could consider finding a safe, consensual creative outlet for your fantasies. What do you think about that?


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#356287 - 03/12/11 02:44 PM Re: I'm a female in my fantasies, still. [Re: SaberCat]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6866
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: SaberCat
This has been going on since I was 8, which was 38 years ago - I'm 46. My CSA was from 3-5 y/o. Of course at 8, I did not know what a transvestite was and at that time (1970) there really were no transgendered women. I just wanted to be a girl..... They are not even all sexual. Actually, they are only 40 - 50% dealing with sexuality. It's just me, only I'm female. I'm always young (~20's) and beautiful, but female. If I just wanted to be "better & younger", wouldn't I just see myself as a "20 y/o 'manly' stud?" It's confusing to me. Any comments?

Thanks.


SaberCat - Sorry I didn't pick up your post earlier.

You have DID (dissociative identity disorder formerly known as multiple personality disorder). You have a "girl" alter or personality who "took" the abuse. Hence the 40-50% part. It's not uncommon for this to happen. It explains much of what you have said. The female alter who took the abuse feels a lot of sexual polarization toward males because of the sexual emotions of your abuse.

Originally Posted By: Sabercat

Also, my fantasies are pretty black & white in terms of what needs to be done in a given situation. Maybe it's just an escape mechanism I came up with early on - and never let go of. I was always terrified that I was gay. I went out of my way to be "not gay." I've never really been attracted to other boys/men. If I was, I hid it from myself (and everyone else). The reality is that I never felt the same way, or even remotely the same way towards men as towards women. But I'm still terrified of being gay. I feel scared of fantasizing of myself as, well not even myself, but an idealized version of me and as a male.


I was likewise abused at an early age. I have felt very similar polarizations in my personality. You have expressed it better than I have.

The solution for me was to have a therapist and just plain tell him everything, even the embarrassing stuff. It has taken a lot of counseling but I'm finally starting to see the light of day on these issues.

Allen





Edited by pufferfish (03/12/11 02:51 PM)
Edit Reason: added 2nd quote

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#356308 - 03/12/11 06:05 PM Re: I'm a female in my fantasies, still. [Re: pufferfish]
RecoveryReady1 Offline


Registered: 12/05/10
Posts: 433
I would say enjoy your sexuality in whatever way it is presented to you......why try to find a reason for everything?.....
The thing I watch for is when I am too focused on sex and sexuality I'm often not doing very well, and so I try look for the underlying stuff so as not to fall into fantasy and compulsion.....you know....just trying to stay grounded and in reality.......


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#356349 - 03/12/11 11:35 PM Re: I'm a female in my fantasies, still. [Re: SaberCat]
shadow Offline
Junior Member

Registered: 12/19/04
Posts: 4
Loc: Texas
SaberCat,
I have not been on MS website for a while but was glad to read your post. It helped me to realize that I was not alone. My csa began when I was in the third grade and lasted for several years. I too have fantasies about being a female. I am not gay or want to be transgendered either. I feel more secure and comfortable picturing myself as a female probably because of a lifelong fear and distrust of men. This seems to be case because in real life the only friends I have are women. They like to treat me like i were one of their girl friends. Anyway, feel free to PM me if you every want to talk on a more personal level about it.
Shadow


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#356478 - 03/13/11 10:41 PM Re: I'm a female in my fantasies, still. [Re: shadow]
1islandboy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 06/23/08
Posts: 859
Loc: washington
Saber...

Well...it seems as if we have sexual orientation figured out and this post is more about gender identity...(which I am told is a common theme amongst suvivors).

My personal experiences all had a common theme of centering around feminization and demasculation...

For the longest time I secretly thought that I was a girl trapped in boys body...(I am not positive if I ever had an full fledged alter...(possible integration through deep tissue massage...idk)...

But...I did name this "girl" side Sharina...

For the longest time I wanted to cage all of this and trap it inside me...and now I am to a point of liberation...where I am comfortable in my own skin and embrace the fact that..whatever I
am...I am definitely androgenous...(mix in some ying and yang and whatever else).

I believe if I was born a girl...I would have ended up at the same place...(just that the csa would just taken on a different flavor...so to speak)...

Rest assured that you are not alone...


Dedicated Follower of Fashion (Kinks)

island

_________________________
Rise above the storm and you will find the sunshine ~ M.F. Fernandez

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