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#311319 - 11/21/09 04:56 PM I have a ? for those with DID. Trigger warning
Dusty Boy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/15/08
Posts: 280
Loc: Australia
I have a ? for those with DID. There are details of CSA and may be triggering so please look after yourself.

I think the father orally raped me as a baby. My first memory is in life is instigating oral on 14yo half brother at age 2. All the T's that I have had (that had any clue re CSA) said that I had been taught how to do this prior to 2yo. I think this went on till I was 6yo because I would get red, inflamed and very sore throats, the Dr was baffled as there was no medical reason to explain the cause for such condition. I have no memory of this so I accept that I dissociated.

During this time, apart from the half brother the older brother tried to coerce me to go into the bushes with him, I was 4yo he 11yo, I was so scared that if I went I would be seriously hurt I was so scared that I lost control of my bowls and shit myself. I wonder how I knew that he wanted to do would be so painful. Also I remember a man putting his hand up my shorts and playing with me during the picture at a cinema about age 5. the lights went down and his hand went on to my leg, I knew where his hand was headed and by the time his hand reached my shorts I was erect. I have vivid memories of these events.

Now is the part that confuses me. I was about 8yo when a 16yo worker from the country was sharing my room he got me into bed with him and had anal sex with me. I remember getting into his bed and him getting on top of me and beginning to penetrate me. Then nothing till it was over and I was told to go back to my bed, I had no pain then or the next day. This happened several times and was always the same no pain. This happened in the same bed I slept in till age 7 when I suspect the father abuse happened.
Around the same time the brother tried the to penetrate me during the day in a different location and I felt pain I screamed so loud that he stopped. Same thing on 2 more occasions and each time I felt the pain in my rectum for 24 hours at least.
At age 10 I had a friend that was a sexually mature youth and we did sex stuff however all I remember is taking our pants down and thinking wow he has a big one then nothing I know that it would have been more than a quick look but have no recall of what. There is more with him but it is similar, like “what happened”.

So here is my question. Do you think I created an alter to take the pain?
As an adult I am always present but I can switch personality's so quick. I am confused

Dusty


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#311326 - 11/21/09 07:19 PM Re: I have a ? for those with DID. Trigger warning [Re: Dusty Boy]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Originally Posted By: Dusty Boy
I have a ? for those with DID.

...I have no memory of this so I accept that I dissociated.

...I have vivid memories of these events.

...that it would have been more than a quick look but have no recall of what. There is more with him but it is similar, like “what happened”.

So here is my question. Do you think I created an alter to take the pain?

As an adult I am always present but I can switch personality's so quick. I am confused


Dusty,

It certainly sounds like you have some level of DID. To understand it better we could ask questions about other symptoms that you might have. Symptoms of DID are pretty variable from person to person.

Just the ages at which abuse took place would probably cause DID in a lot of people.

Do you ever hear conversations in your head? (I'm not talking about psychosis)

Do you ever go in a shopping center and come out and can't find your car?

Do you have bad PTSD reactions to certain people?

I don't think I ever "lost time". This is a situation in which a person with DID will lapse into a different personality and then the previous personality will simply be gone for a while. The "while" is called lost time. When he awakens, a span of time will have elapsed and he won't know where it went.

Sometimes a child personality will have special toys. There is no other explanation for the presence of these toys.

I think that at age 12 - 13 ?? I went for night explorations. They seem like sleep walking to an observer, but it is actually one of the abused personalities in control of the body and walking around places.

Does anybody who knows you ever tell you that they saw you doing something somewhere and that you had no recollection of it?

Allen

pufferfish whistle


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#311667 - 11/25/09 12:19 AM Re: I have a ? for those with DID. Trigger warning [Re: pufferfish]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
its very complicated. i'm talkin with T again (not in person yet) he says evry system is different n work different adapting their own needs..
i realized this week i cant do this alone n thats why i'm trying to get back to therapy. idk about you but looks like this needs pro help to figure out lot of stuff.


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#311672 - 11/25/09 01:11 AM Re: I have a ? for those with DID. Trigger warning [Re: Daniel_forgotten]
pufferfish Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/26/08
Posts: 6857
Loc: USA
Yes,

DID definitely needs help from outside. It is set up in us as children and we often need outside help to put the pieces back together again. Lots of T's don't know how to do this. Lots don't really understand how it works.

When I was about 18 I was quite a miserable person. I went off to college trying to major in chemical engineering. It pleased my father that I would do that. I got into several courses which really were quite demanding. I took notes in class and the handwriting was different every day of the week. This was diagnostic of DID but I didn't have any insight and nobody else was able to help. Finally someone suggested that I memorize my class notes for the test. That helped me a lot because I would go through my notes page by page and visualize myself in the class and what was going on when I took the notes. That was very healing for DID (I didn't know it then). It was healing because in going back over my class notes I was establishing what is called co-consciousness of the different alters on the different days. Of course it helped to pass the tests also.

But I had a lot of depression, dissociation, and PTSD. I had a college roommate whom I thought wished I wasn't his roommate. I walked past a parked car and smelled oil and had a flashback about being abused in a garage. But it was an incomplete flashback without any insight. I didn't know where it came from. I thought I was a lowly worm and that nobody loved me.

We ate dinner in the dormitory in what is called "family style". About 10 of us would eat around the same table every night. Once a week they served "mystery meat". One of the other college students told me that I had a filthy mouth. I was otherwise unaware of that.

I went to an off-campus conference with other students. I was swept up in compulsively staring at a spot above the speaker's head. If anybody looked me in the eye I would wilt. My older sister wanted me to be in a fraternity and arranged for me to have dinner at a frat house so that they would ask me to join up. Well they didn't ask me to join up. At the dinner I dissociated. I was in a complete fog. Strange but all I can remember is the smell of the food. I was in a similar fog a number of times during job interviews throughout life. Needless to say I didn't land any of those jobs.

My sister also arranged for me to have a blind date at a special sorority party. I was worried and tried to hide the fact that I didn't feel attracted to girls. The blind date showed up and she was several inches taller than I was and she weighed about 50 pounds more than I did. She would have made a good center on the football team. She had a musolini chin and was all dressed up in a pink fluffy gown. I think she may have been a drag queen. My mother would have been pleased. I tried to be nice, but afterward went back to my dorm room very, very depressed.

Another thing happened to me. I had been abused occasionaly by an older boy when I was ages 7 to 10. He was several years older than I was. That boy and I happened to go off to the same college. We both looked quite different since we were 8 years older. At one particular time we passed each other outside of classes. I saw a look of recognition in his face but I didn't recognize him until he had passed. And even then the recognition was through a veil of dissociation. I remember his name but I won't post it here. Strange but I was shocked to the point that I still remember it. He was in a fraternity which some people derisively called the "lamby pie alphalphas".

Many years later, I had a T who worked with me on DID. I am going to post the methods that he used but I don't want to do it tonight.

Allen




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#311681 - 11/25/09 02:52 AM Re: I have a ? for those with DID. Trigger warning [Re: pufferfish]
Daniel_forgotten Offline


Registered: 02/07/09
Posts: 479
that would be nice Allen. our T doesnt have experience but he's ok i guess. dunno about others in MS , dunno if other have terapy

doesnt seem to work right now


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