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#289220 - 05/28/09 10:20 AM Self-disgust and worthlessness
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
Hi.

I'm really sorry about this topic, I'm just struggling at the moment. Various things have come up, ---- a couple of recent realizations, pluss having to go through the disclosure thing on friday, pluss the fact that my charming downstairs neighbors have finally got to the point of complaning about me horribly and with malicious intent walking! about my flat, (aren't I evil!), to such an extent that we're having me sound monitored.

Now I should be okay about this, sinse afterall hopefully it'll show them up for the miserable gits they are, ---- however yesterday my mum pointed out that should things not go in my favour I'll be literally homeless.

My options would be either sharing a house with complete stranges (an absolute nono), or going into a councel homeless hostel, ----- a complete and total never in a million years absolute nono!

My mum then mentioned in that eventuality, we'd end up suing the local authority who rant that charming school where all the bad stuff happened, ---- a prospect I find frankly terrifying!

So, I'm just hoping it doesn't come to that.

I'm really struggling with feeling worthless at the moment, and a sense of self-disgust so extreme I can't even bare the thought of stepping outside, ---- thinking what people will think of me.

Yes, this is totally irrational! and I hate myself for even thinking like this, I should be better than this! haven't I don't more work than this!? but stil, I'm back here again, in the pit!

Yes, I'll pull myself out, no, it won't last, because at these points the only thing I've got left is shear ugly bloody minded stubbornness, ---- the will to just continue through everything that I am.

To quote a villain in an anime I saw recently "your tough, ---- just like a cocroach!"

But sometimes it's so bloody hard, ---- and yes I know I shouldn't even be thinking like this!

Sorry for the wrant, I'm just feeling incredibly stuck right now.

I'll be fine later, ---- i'm just not now.

Sorry.


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#289253 - 05/28/09 03:07 PM Re: Self-disgust and worthlessness [Re: dark empathy]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Originally Posted By: dark empathy
I'm really struggling with feeling worthless at the moment, and a sense of self-disgust so extreme I can't even bare the thought of stepping outside, ---- thinking what people will think of me.

Dark Empahty,

Yes, it's good to get stuff like that off your chest. No need to apologize for the content. I personally think it shows a level of self-acceptance and honesty that is refreshing for me to here, as I have experienced much of the same feelings for a long time now. And like you, I have hope that they will pass in time.

Originally Posted By: dark empathy
the only thing I've got left is shear ugly bloody minded stubbornness, ---- the will to just continue through everything that I am.

I'm glad that you accept yourself as you are right now, even though you're feeling lousy. Now that's what I call progress, and a fine example for the rest of us.

Best wishes,
Rocco





Edited by Casmir213 (05/28/09 03:40 PM)
_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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#289260 - 05/28/09 04:05 PM Re: Self-disgust and worthlessness [Re: Casmir213]
michael banks Offline


Registered: 06/12/08
Posts: 1755
Loc: Mojave Desert, Ca
Luke,

Like you, when I get triggered I have a tendency to loss prespective of things and overreach. all shit hits the fan. The sky begins to fall and the earth drops out from under my feet. Till I regain my composure and realize that things happening are not as drastic as I felt at first.
Then I feel embarrassment at my initial reaction but then realize the reason why that I react that way i do. Sometimes those old react patterns surface but not as strongly or as long lasting as it used to be.
Remember it is progress not prefection that we are striving for.

Mike

_________________________
To own one's shadow is the highest moral act of a human.
-Robert Johnson-

"IT ought never be forgotten that the past is the parent of the future" John C. Calhoun

WOR Alumni Sequoia 2009

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#289266 - 05/28/09 04:35 PM Re: Self-disgust and worthlessness [Re: michael banks]
roadrunner Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/02/05
Posts: 22045
Loc: Carlisle, PA
Luke,

You're in a bad spot right now, and as Mike points out that's the moment when we so easily lose our sense of perspective. Complaining shitty neighbors can't possibly have any bearing on your personal worth, bro. And that stubbornness? I'd prefer to call it strength and courage. The same strength and courage I saw you drawing upon at the Didcot workshop with Mike Lew.

Rant away, as much as you like and for as long as you like. Sometimes we just need to do that. But the Luke I know isn't going to be beaten by this challenge, just as he hasn't been beaten by past challenges either.

Much love,
Larry

_________________________
Nobody living can ever stop me
As I go walking my freedom highway.
Nobody living can make me turn back:
This land was made for you and me.
(Woody Guthrie)

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#289269 - 05/28/09 04:42 PM Re: Self-disgust and worthlessness [Re: michael banks]
dark empathy Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/26/07
Posts: 1996
Loc: durham, north england
Thanks people.

The problem is for me, this isn't hope at all, ----- and it doesn't feel like progress.

There is one point in Lord of the rings (the book, most deffinately not! the film), when Frodo says to sam "you go on hoping then mine is gone, ---- and I'll just plod along behind you"

this is exactly what I mean. It's an uggly unpleasant thing, with nothing admirable about it.

There is no sense that things will ever improve, no sense of progress or light or even self justification. it's the shear bloody minded will to simply continue in the same direction.

Sometimes I have felt hope, the belief that things will improve, ----- but not at times like now.

thanks for the replies and baring with me, and I'm really sorry about dumping this here.

I know this is what this forum is for, and I know that were someone else saying sorr i'd tell them there was no need, ----- but anyone else isn't me.


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#289283 - 05/28/09 06:38 PM Re: Self-disgust and worthlessness [Re: Casmir213]
Casmir213 Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 05/14/09
Posts: 845
Loc: Northeast, USA
Luke,

I am very sorry if I was insensitive to your situation at all in my response to your post. Sometimes I have a tendency to lose touch with the realities of life. I apologize for that.

I understand a little better now your situation and state.

Rocco

_________________________
I see recovery as a lifelong journey rather than a final destination, a journey, though, which can have many successes along the way.

WoR Alumnus - Hope Springs, OH, October 2009

My avatar is the farmhouse at the Hope Spring, OH WoR. It's a nice place.

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