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#141977 - 02/17/07 08:03 AM MY STORY
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6358
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
I hope I've got the posting right THIS time:

Hi. My Name is Rob. "Robbie" is the 7.5 yr-old who I was just before I was devastated.

I was pulling my sled home to my new upper-middle class suburban home after a great day of hill-running with my friends. I saw the pack of 4 older boys (12-yrs-old) ahead of me. They chased-off my frnd Mark before I got there. One grabbed my sled rope and headed for the woods trail. The others led me into the woods. I thought they just wanted to give me a hard time. Then I thought that they were ordering me to take my pants off just to "see" me. I had no idea what was coming. I was raped. I'm not sure how many of the 4 penetrated me. I sort of blacked-out after the first. I remember putting myself back together and realizing that they had used my underwear to for something. It was a mess. I remember thinking "how can I go home without my underwear?" I never told. I never went out till the spring (just went to school and home again). What happened next was the end of me.

The next summer (at 8yrs old), I carried a knife to ward-off another attack. One of that same crew approached and wanted something...I don't know what... but we ended-up in a fight and I used the knife. He went to the ER. Police came. Though I was not arrested or charged (as witnesses said he came for me), I was instant DIRT in that neighborhood. Thus, OPEN SEASON ON ROBBIE!

For the next two full years I endured my rapes and forced acts on that crew of evil bastards. What could I do? Even my own white-bread family had turned on me. I wa sa "knife attacker" after all. If I told adults what these kids were doing to me, it would have come back on ME. I had NO credibility...no hope.

Once one of them moved away, the remaining 3 lost their suburban basement bar/rape-room hang-out(4 doors down from me). BUT from age 10-14 I acted out including prostitution with older neighborhood kids who would pay me for oral and/or anal sex.

I had one new friend (he lived in the old "rape house").

December 1972...There was an adult x-mass party upstairs at that house and we kids had our kiddie party (I'm now 12 yrs -old at this point)in the basement bar (I know...the scene of SO many crimes...how could I be there?). My friend's older brother brought his new friend over...this "new frnd" was one of "them." in fact, he was the most evil of the old crew.

Long story short...I ended up drunk from spiked punch. He, a large and strong bastard, got me outside and raped me once again.

I was fully devastated. I lost all touch with the real world. I lost a full month of memory from that year. I TRULY wanted to die. A life-long girl friend talked me down from the ledge twice.

It took a long time to learn to walk amoung the real humans...to get an education...a career...a family...to "ignore all that stuff from long ago." SUCK IT UP AND GET ON WITH THE LIFE YOU'VE BEEN DEALT! IT NEVER HAPPENED TO YOU!!! IGNORE IT!!!

All of a sudden...THAT does not work any more...and here I am...a male "survivor"...writing the words that NO ONE could EVER learn about me. GOD HELP ME! This is HELL.



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#142002 - 02/17/07 12:11 PM Re: MY STORY [Re: Still]
Brian Offline
Moderator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 05/03/01
Posts: 1563
Loc: Upstate NY
Rob,

Welcome to Male Survivor! This is a safe place to share yourself and get support from all of us who have similar experiences.Your story is heart wrenching; I'm sorry that this happened to you. Congratualtions for having the courage to share your story with us. Yes, you are a "survivor"!

I look forward to reading more of your thoughts. Are you in therapy? A good therapist can help us sort this stuff out in a more organized and effective way.

Brian

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Recovery is Possible!

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#142018 - 02/17/07 01:00 PM Re: MY STORY [Re: Brian]
ScottyTodd Offline
Administrator Emeritus
MaleSurvivor
Registered: 02/12/03
Posts: 1561
Loc: Pennsylvania
It's almost unbelievable what something that happened when we were so young can have such a long-standing traumatic affect on our lives! But WE lived through it and it's believeable. I'm sorry for how long that "secret" has eaten away from your life BUT this is the place that can all turn around!! I'm glad you found us and welcome to our community!! Thanks for sharing...it is a really big but important first step. Keep posting - explore around - share and post what you need to and ask for support when you need it!! You are not alone and we are here for each other!!

Howard

_________________________
If you think you can or you can't - you're right!.......anon
It's never too late to have a happy childhood!.....anon
You're very normal for the abnormal situation you've been through..............S. Todd

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#142021 - 02/17/07 01:22 PM Re: MY STORY [Re: ScottyTodd]
Dewey2k Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/22/05
Posts: 3069
Rob,

Welcome to MaleSurvivor. I'm sorry to hear of the circumstances that let you here. It takes incredible courage to post one's story, and for that I commend you.

There are a lot of good people here in the Discussion Board that will support you. As Howard said, look around, post when you feel like it, and feel free to respond to others' posts. This place is wonderful.


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#142041 - 02/17/07 02:37 PM Re: MY STORY [Re: Dewey2k]
Hauser Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 11/12/05
Posts: 2962
Loc: United States
Rob, welcome aboard this journey of recovery. And, I would also like you to make note of the fact that you have accomplished so much already! (a career, intimacy, a family, etc.)

When we talk about what happened to us it loses it's power over us. When it's someone besides merely ourselves telling us that it wasn't our fault, that the choices that we made afterwords weren't our fault, that what was done to us was THEIR fault, it helps us to be at peace with ourselves.


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#142081 - 02/17/07 07:21 PM Re: MY STORY [Re: Hauser]
WalkingSouth Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/30/05
Posts: 16264
Robbie,

Hi. Glad you found us! I have tears in my eyes as I welcome you home, Buddy. You are most definitely a survivor. What an incredibly courageous thing you've done by posting your gut-wrenching story. You've begun the process of breaking the hold your past has had on you.

Take Little Robbie by the hand and assure him that you're there to protect him from anything like that ever happening to him again, then take him down the street for an ice cream cone.

Lots of love,

John

_________________________
“Life’s journey is not to arrive at the grave safely in a well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally worn out, shouting ‘Holy ____…! What a ride!’” ~Hunter S. Thompson

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#142101 - 02/17/07 09:38 PM Re: MY STORY [Re: WalkingSouth]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6358
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
All,

Thank you all SO much!! I'm two weeks into this and am not really sure where its all heading. But I do know that I have no choice but to go on and heal. To do otherwise would be the death of me.

On Monday I have my third therapy session. I have so many questions and issues...and realize that YOU can answer some and the therapist can answer some.

I know that my major mountains of pain to overcome are:

Guilt: Why did I never even come home with a bloody nose - even once?! Why did I never fight? Why did I RIDE MY BIKE TO some of these basement sessions?

Remorse: Lost SO many years to this - including what would have been an amazing childhood.

Specific Memories: Things they made me do. The logic of survival and cooersion will never dismiss the vivid physical memories of oral acts.

I'll let you all know how things progress.

God Bless
Rob

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#142159 - 02/18/07 08:33 AM Re: MY STORY [Re: Still]
sabata Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 08/08/06
Posts: 1948
Hi Rob....I Thought I Responded Toyour Post.Cant Find It Anyways........Sorry About What You Went through...My Parents Also Had Those Drinking Partys.And I Was Left Alone With Other Older Kids...While The Adults Were Getting Drunk And Carrying On........One Of Thiers Older Son..Older Than Me .Was Expermitting On me........I Still Recall How Much It Hurt When He Took Hair Spray..And Sprayed It Down my Pee Hole...Yea I Feel I lost A Lot Of Years...Yet I Feel Now I Am Going To Make The Best Of The Years I Have Left.........Take Care......Steve


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#142173 - 02/18/07 11:08 AM Re: MY STORY [Re: sabata]
RICK57 Offline
Member

Registered: 12/31/03
Posts: 1611
Loc: ENGLAND
Rob - take hope now that you have found this site. It's been a miracle for me in the time that I've been here.

Take your time, and I hope you at least find some of the answers you need!

One thing you need to know - It was never your fault!

Best wishes ...Rik

_________________________
*Never look down on anybody unless you're helping them up.
*I was seeking a way of expressing my anger - I found hope!
*There are many battles before the war is won! It can be won!

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#142434 - 02/20/07 05:58 AM Re: MY STORY [Re: RICK57]
Still Offline
Member
MaleSurvivor

Registered: 02/16/07
Posts: 6358
Loc: 2 NATO Nations
There's SO much pain here. This dif is that we are all DEALING with it HERE. Thanks all for reading that kid's story. I'm hoping to work with him...to bring him home.

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