so it seems that a lot of this site is dealing with child sexual abuse but what about all the stuff that happened after i turned 18? to me, that has been harder to deal with. is it any less tramtic because it happened when we were adults? i dont think so. so i wanted to share some of that stuff as well.

i have a habbit of being graphic so if you dont want to get triggered or whatever, please bow out now.

so i got involved with prostitution. it was thrilling how guys wanted me and would pay for me. most have visions of old nasty guys who cant get a date and yeah some of them were like that but some werent. some just had weird fetishes that they were too embarassed to do with their partner. other guys were married but always felt the need to have sex with men. and i knew all these things and played on thier weaknesses. most of the meetings were set up through a club i worked at. it started out just with private dancing in the back of the club but moved on to sex. many times guys just wanted a companion they wanted to show off to their friends during a dinner party or whatever. i was always with really wealthy, really powerful men. for the most part it was fine. we had sex. and i left. there was a few occasions where things went wrong. the thing i have issues with is the definition of rape i guess. if a guy hires me to have sex and i know this going in, can he rape me? there have been times where i was kept against my will and at his beacon call. other times i would physically tied up so i couldnt move while he would do whatever he pleased. there were times where i said stop, there were times i would pass out from being tired or hurt. there were times where i was drugged and still dont know what was done to me.

the most serious thing that happened is really graphic. basically this one guy was getting all into it and tied me up. which is fine. i dont mind this. we had sex which was fine. he didnt want that to be it though. i remember him leaning across my stomach and i thought this was odd. but i went along with it. what happened next is really hard to talk about. i remember feeling the blood first. it didnt register as blood. but it was wet and sticky. and then i saw that he had a knife in his hand. i then felt the pain. i realized that he raped me with a knife. i dont really remember much after that. i woke up in the hospital. i guess after he used a bottle as well because there was broken glass inside me as well. i ended up having surgery and they were able to repair the damage. in a way, i think its funny that they were able to repair it. i would joke and say that it was like i was a virgin again. but it took a while for me to be able to have sex after that.

okay.. yeah thats enough for now.